First of all I want to thank catherine and brat for their kind comments to my previous post. Your support is greatly appreciated.
But I must confess...
I ate the cookie...
and a brownie...
and an egg roll and sesame chicken for lunch...
and some sugar free ice cream with chocolate topping and pecans about 25 minutes ago.
Yes, I lost it today. No doubt about it.
But truthfully I only feel down...not out!
Tomorrow is a new day right?
Hope springs eternal?
Carpe diem??!!
I'm not giving up on me. Not now. Not ever. I didn't come this far to fall to pieces.
For the record though, a few questions:
Why does this endeavor feel/seem/unfold so difficultly for so many of us? I mean, it's only food right?
It will still be there tomorrow.
I'm off to sleep through the remainder of my carb hangover. yikes. Tomorrow is a new day my friend. And I, for one, intend to wake and greet it with some love, laughter, and a healthy dose of cardio! :)
...damn that magic shell....
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
The Midweek Rant
I AM PISSED.
I HATE dieting.
I hate being fat.
I hate my body.
I hate that I can't eat whatever I damn well please whenever I damn well please.
I hate carbs
I hate fat.
I hate calories of any and all kind.
Moreover - why is the universe consipiring against me??
Okay that is obviously overdramatic but it sure feels that way.
Right now...as I type this...there are freaking cookies and chocolate in the breakroom mocking my very existence.
WTF?
I can not say with any certainty that I'm not going to go in there and eat some of it. Yeah, sure I'm motivated and sure I don't want to fail and sure I am making progress (finally got on the scale this morning and I'm down about 7lbs in 15 days which is great) but stiiiiilllllllllllllllllll...
I want cookie.
Dammit.
Oof.
I HATE dieting.
I hate being fat.
I hate my body.
I hate that I can't eat whatever I damn well please whenever I damn well please.
I hate carbs
I hate fat.
I hate calories of any and all kind.
Moreover - why is the universe consipiring against me??
Okay that is obviously overdramatic but it sure feels that way.
Right now...as I type this...there are freaking cookies and chocolate in the breakroom mocking my very existence.
WTF?
I can not say with any certainty that I'm not going to go in there and eat some of it. Yeah, sure I'm motivated and sure I don't want to fail and sure I am making progress (finally got on the scale this morning and I'm down about 7lbs in 15 days which is great) but stiiiiilllllllllllllllllll...
I want cookie.
Dammit.
Oof.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Stress and Eating
I'll post later about what's really been bugging me the last few days; i.e. the dreaded scale. But just a few thoughts on what is bugging me right now.
STRESS.
My job has been craziness the last couple of days. On the one hand, I love being busy. On the other hand, I hate being busy. You see where I'm going with this?...
So of course, after two days of stress and very low calories to boot there is free food in the office. Son of a...!!! And it's all the stuff I am CRAVING like crazy right now....
Doughnuts
Muffins
Cookies
Chocolate
Universe please save me from myself.
As of this writing I have consumed none and in 16 minutes my workday ends.
I've made it this far.
Sweet Georgia Brown let me please make it th next 16 minutes.....
STRESS.
My job has been craziness the last couple of days. On the one hand, I love being busy. On the other hand, I hate being busy. You see where I'm going with this?...
So of course, after two days of stress and very low calories to boot there is free food in the office. Son of a...!!! And it's all the stuff I am CRAVING like crazy right now....
Doughnuts
Muffins
Cookies
Chocolate
Universe please save me from myself.
As of this writing I have consumed none and in 16 minutes my workday ends.
I've made it this far.
Sweet Georgia Brown let me please make it th next 16 minutes.....
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Failure vs. Ego
Okay, now I'm sitting here reading all of these stories, comments, and posts online and what I notice is very very troubling but not surprising.
People start these blogs about losing weight and then....disappear.
What am I to deduce from that? Sadly, because of what I know and believe of Americans I can only think that they failed. Fell off the proverbial wagon if you will. So sad - and so damn common!
But I have to ask myself. Am I any different?
Sure I can toot my own horn about keeping the 50+ off but I have been bouncing around that other 15 the whole time. The point is that I never did get to my ideal weight.
Hence, I failed.
This of course begs the question: What makes this time different than any other?
What makes me different from all of the others who start the new year off with a weight loss resolution then fail?
What separates me from the heard?
After all of these years I have finally realized, and accepted, what the real difference is between us.
E.G.O.
Yes, ego.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Those who want it bad are arrogant enough to believe that they are not like the masses.
Ego.
They want it just so that they can turn, look at the others, and know in their heart of hearts that they are stronger.
Ego.
I have always had a big one. I hid it for a long time because I thought I had to.
F that.
2008. 20 years from high school graduation.
I'll be damned if I fail.
I'd bet $10,000 on that.
Any takers of that bet are welcome to contact me ASAP.
People start these blogs about losing weight and then....disappear.
What am I to deduce from that? Sadly, because of what I know and believe of Americans I can only think that they failed. Fell off the proverbial wagon if you will. So sad - and so damn common!
But I have to ask myself. Am I any different?
Sure I can toot my own horn about keeping the 50+ off but I have been bouncing around that other 15 the whole time. The point is that I never did get to my ideal weight.
Hence, I failed.
This of course begs the question: What makes this time different than any other?
What makes me different from all of the others who start the new year off with a weight loss resolution then fail?
What separates me from the heard?
After all of these years I have finally realized, and accepted, what the real difference is between us.
E.G.O.
Yes, ego.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Those who want it bad are arrogant enough to believe that they are not like the masses.
Ego.
They want it just so that they can turn, look at the others, and know in their heart of hearts that they are stronger.
Ego.
I have always had a big one. I hid it for a long time because I thought I had to.
F that.
2008. 20 years from high school graduation.
I'll be damned if I fail.
I'd bet $10,000 on that.
Any takers of that bet are welcome to contact me ASAP.
Drugs. Drugs 'r bad mmmkay?
So, as indicated in my first post, I am taking some drugs to assist my weight loss efforts. The EC stack (occasionally I add A with the morning dose) as well as some T3 supplementation. I thought I'd share my thoughts on it.
The EC is actually a lifesaver on this diet! Seriously. I wouldn't have made it without it. Primarily it helps with energy levels and let me tell you, if you actually do what the book says (The Rapid Fatloss Handbook -Lyle McDonald) then you will NEED it. Sure, I do function fairly well on ketones, which I know from doing Atkins for a year several years ago. But the combination of low fat and, in particular, low calories is doozy.
I've water fasted before; twice. Once for just two days and one for 4.5. Talk about lethargy. Craziness.
The thing is - this feels incredibly similar. I mean, if you do this correctly you are really FASTING. I think that may be the part of this that people forget and/or ignore. You almost want to put yourself into this state I would think. For me it is a clear indication that things are happening. Along with the seriously stinky pee. :)
For those curious about my current ECA stack dosing it is as follows:
AM1 = 20/100/325
AM2 = 15-20/200/0
PM = 10-15/100/0
I take my first dose when the alarm goes off at 4am. (Get's my ass out of the bed!) I take a mid morning dose around 10-11ish and then my afternoon dose about 3ish. I don't take the full doses in the afternoon because I found that sometimes (seemingly depending upon my caloric intake) I get a little too keyed up and that is not good for my work.
As for the T3, I think I mentioned before that I am a fan. Yes - I have done my research and am aware of all the possible risks involved but I've decided to take it anyway. I'm an adult and I'm responsible for my actions. If I jack up my own body then it is my own business. No warnings or attempts to change my mind are worth your efforts. Period.
I will say this. I've been on a lot of diets in my lifetime. This one is hard, absolutely. But after 10 full days I can honestly say that I am noticing some results. No, I haven't weighed in since last Monday but things are fitting notably different. I probably should have taken measurements before I started. I will say this - I put on a size 18 suit yesterday and, even in the hips, it was spacious!
I'm feeling damn good about that.
I don't care.
I'm down with the pharmaceuticals. :)
The EC is actually a lifesaver on this diet! Seriously. I wouldn't have made it without it. Primarily it helps with energy levels and let me tell you, if you actually do what the book says (The Rapid Fatloss Handbook -Lyle McDonald) then you will NEED it. Sure, I do function fairly well on ketones, which I know from doing Atkins for a year several years ago. But the combination of low fat and, in particular, low calories is doozy.
I've water fasted before; twice. Once for just two days and one for 4.5. Talk about lethargy. Craziness.
The thing is - this feels incredibly similar. I mean, if you do this correctly you are really FASTING. I think that may be the part of this that people forget and/or ignore. You almost want to put yourself into this state I would think. For me it is a clear indication that things are happening. Along with the seriously stinky pee. :)
For those curious about my current ECA stack dosing it is as follows:
AM1 = 20/100/325
AM2 = 15-20/200/0
PM = 10-15/100/0
I take my first dose when the alarm goes off at 4am. (Get's my ass out of the bed!) I take a mid morning dose around 10-11ish and then my afternoon dose about 3ish. I don't take the full doses in the afternoon because I found that sometimes (seemingly depending upon my caloric intake) I get a little too keyed up and that is not good for my work.
As for the T3, I think I mentioned before that I am a fan. Yes - I have done my research and am aware of all the possible risks involved but I've decided to take it anyway. I'm an adult and I'm responsible for my actions. If I jack up my own body then it is my own business. No warnings or attempts to change my mind are worth your efforts. Period.
I will say this. I've been on a lot of diets in my lifetime. This one is hard, absolutely. But after 10 full days I can honestly say that I am noticing some results. No, I haven't weighed in since last Monday but things are fitting notably different. I probably should have taken measurements before I started. I will say this - I put on a size 18 suit yesterday and, even in the hips, it was spacious!
I'm feeling damn good about that.
I don't care.
I'm down with the pharmaceuticals. :)
Friday, January 11, 2008
Warning. Crankiness Ahead.
Dieting makes me thoughtful and cranky. Thoughtfully cranky? Crankily thoughtful?? I digress...
The result is I've changed the name of this blog to "American Fat Girl", which I - at present - most undoubtedly am. And that's okay because even after I've lost this weight the truth is that, although I may no longer look like one, I will still carry the psyche of an american fat girl. I know there are many ladies out there who can relate.
For example, 4 years ago I weighed 250lbs. Disgusting, I know. I managed to lose 65 of it and subsequently put back on 10. 55lbs though gone forever! Even so – I suffer psychologically from body dysmorphia (sp?). I still feel like 250lbs. Sometimes I even see myself as that. The oddest thing is that I am actually more uncomfortable at 195 than I was at 250. What is up with that?
55lbs kept off for 4 years and I still feel as if I’ve failed. It has made me so much more aware of weight prejudice. I actually almost bumped into a fat guy this morning getting onto the train and caught myself thinking, “Jesus! F**king fat ass!” How horrible is that?!
I’ve even noticed that my employer and co-workers respond to me differently…purely due to my weight. I know it is true! The reality is that EVERYONE thinks less of fat people….even other fat people.
That makes me feel ashamed but honest.
So here I am, admitting that part of the reason that I’m losing weight is definitely because I hate fat people. Fat people like me. I have no sympathy. We’re lazy and disgusting.
I am subjecting myself to this hardcore (and damn effective!) PSMF because I can’t take being fat for another damn minute. Do I love myself too? Of course I do! I want to be healthy and active sure but let’s not fool ourselves here kiddies…
I also want to be attractive. Period.
And from my perspective….195lbs just ain’t gettin’ it.
Dieting makes me cranky….or is that completely obvious?
The result is I've changed the name of this blog to "American Fat Girl", which I - at present - most undoubtedly am. And that's okay because even after I've lost this weight the truth is that, although I may no longer look like one, I will still carry the psyche of an american fat girl. I know there are many ladies out there who can relate.
For example, 4 years ago I weighed 250lbs. Disgusting, I know. I managed to lose 65 of it and subsequently put back on 10. 55lbs though gone forever! Even so – I suffer psychologically from body dysmorphia (sp?). I still feel like 250lbs. Sometimes I even see myself as that. The oddest thing is that I am actually more uncomfortable at 195 than I was at 250. What is up with that?
55lbs kept off for 4 years and I still feel as if I’ve failed. It has made me so much more aware of weight prejudice. I actually almost bumped into a fat guy this morning getting onto the train and caught myself thinking, “Jesus! F**king fat ass!” How horrible is that?!
I’ve even noticed that my employer and co-workers respond to me differently…purely due to my weight. I know it is true! The reality is that EVERYONE thinks less of fat people….even other fat people.
That makes me feel ashamed but honest.
So here I am, admitting that part of the reason that I’m losing weight is definitely because I hate fat people. Fat people like me. I have no sympathy. We’re lazy and disgusting.
I am subjecting myself to this hardcore (and damn effective!) PSMF because I can’t take being fat for another damn minute. Do I love myself too? Of course I do! I want to be healthy and active sure but let’s not fool ourselves here kiddies…
I also want to be attractive. Period.
And from my perspective….195lbs just ain’t gettin’ it.
Dieting makes me cranky….or is that completely obvious?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Day 1 = Day 9?
Sure, I should have begun this blog last week but hey...hindsight is 20/20 and you know it. So here I am on the 9th day of my PSMF and it has been interesting already. I decided to start this blog not for purely egocentric interests but also for the benefit, at some point, of interested parties who are considering or currently enduring the "lovely" experience of the PSMF. Especially the women. Let's face it. When it comes to fat loss, our bodies all seem to play by different rules. Nevertheless I have always valued hearing about other’s experiences.
Anyway – onto the interesting stuff.
Stats –
Height: 5’2.5”
Weight: 195
I started the PSMF on Wednesday, January 2, 2008. I did not weigh myself for the first time until Monday January 7 (I couldn’t bear to see truth of my holiday binges.) and came in at a horrifying 195lbs! Yes, I’m disgusted but it is highly motivating as well.
It is a miracle I made it through the first few days. I almost broke down completely on day 4. I seriously had to just take some sleeping aid to make myself pass out so that I wouldn’t stay up and eat or drink. Pitiful huh? Whatever – it worked. Once I made it through day 5 and the ketsosis was ratcheting up things did, and have, got easier.
First – it is AMAZING how this blunts your appetite. Unless you experience it is almost unbelievable. And trust me, I’ve been on all kinds of appetite suppressants - even prescriptions like phentermine. None of them work half as well or effectively for me as good ole’ free ketones. When I think about it I just want to shoot myself for all of the money I’ve spent on the years using bunk products. C’est la vie eh?
So here I am, day 9, and I feel good but cold. Yes, I’m sure my body temp is down. I am probably hypothyroid but I’ve never been officially tested. With health insurance companies the way they are and doctors even more confused about the thyroid I haven’t even bothered. So what is the result. I self medicate baby!
Here are the drugs and supplements I’m currently on:
Ephedrine HCL
Caffeine
T3
Multi
Calcium
Magnesium
Potassium
5-htp (enteric coated)
Vit C
MSM (powder only)
Are they helping? At this point I can’t say for certain but I can’t imagine they are hurting. Even the T3 which I take daily at no more than 20mgs per day (more like 12-15 on average) and split into 2 or 3 doses depending. I did a long run of low dose T3 last year and didn’t notice any ill effects. Honestly, the T3 is probably the single most effective thing I’ve ever taken for mood more so than anything weight related.
I want to note something that I think is important as I move on. I think I may have a sensitivity to low carbs/low fat. Excluding two handfuls of potato chip crumbs the evening of day 4, I have eaten absolutely PSMF clean. Day 7 was the first time I felt really lethargic and by yesterday, day 8, I was having some ‘odd’ peeing experiences. Basically, I am drinking a respectable quantity of water while at the office (.5 to .75 gal) but I was hardly peeing at all. Plus I would have to ‘push’ the pee out instead of it flowing freely.
TMI?...too bad…
Now, the odd thing is that this has happened to me before when I’ve started to PSMF. I’ve never worked through it because I normally would just fall off the diet all together anyway. However, I was reading some stuff online yesterday and I started to think that maybe my body (gall bladder?) can’t take the very low fat thing for too long. That said, last night I sucked it up (and I was very nervous to do this) and decided to give myself one of Lyle’s recommended “free meals”. I figured if fat was the problem that I could make my free meal high in fat and protein but keep it low in carbs.
3 pieces of Popeye’s chicken later…
I woke up this morning feeling better and have felt notably better today than I did yesterday.
Lesson Learned? I’m not sure but I will be testing this theory again.
Also, I’m glad to say that I have been on plan all day today with no problems. I think Lyle is right about the “free meals” for psychological and physiological reasons. I am going to have my two a week (no refeeds because I’m a Cat 3) and trust they will keep my body in check. I do think I will keep them high fat/protein though only. Carbs and I don’t seem to get along well no matter what.
Okay, so not too exciting for my first post but we all have to start somewhere.
Anyway – onto the interesting stuff.
Stats –
Height: 5’2.5”
Weight: 195
I started the PSMF on Wednesday, January 2, 2008. I did not weigh myself for the first time until Monday January 7 (I couldn’t bear to see truth of my holiday binges.) and came in at a horrifying 195lbs! Yes, I’m disgusted but it is highly motivating as well.
It is a miracle I made it through the first few days. I almost broke down completely on day 4. I seriously had to just take some sleeping aid to make myself pass out so that I wouldn’t stay up and eat or drink. Pitiful huh? Whatever – it worked. Once I made it through day 5 and the ketsosis was ratcheting up things did, and have, got easier.
First – it is AMAZING how this blunts your appetite. Unless you experience it is almost unbelievable. And trust me, I’ve been on all kinds of appetite suppressants - even prescriptions like phentermine. None of them work half as well or effectively for me as good ole’ free ketones. When I think about it I just want to shoot myself for all of the money I’ve spent on the years using bunk products. C’est la vie eh?
So here I am, day 9, and I feel good but cold. Yes, I’m sure my body temp is down. I am probably hypothyroid but I’ve never been officially tested. With health insurance companies the way they are and doctors even more confused about the thyroid I haven’t even bothered. So what is the result. I self medicate baby!
Here are the drugs and supplements I’m currently on:
Ephedrine HCL
Caffeine
T3
Multi
Calcium
Magnesium
Potassium
5-htp (enteric coated)
Vit C
MSM (powder only)
Are they helping? At this point I can’t say for certain but I can’t imagine they are hurting. Even the T3 which I take daily at no more than 20mgs per day (more like 12-15 on average) and split into 2 or 3 doses depending. I did a long run of low dose T3 last year and didn’t notice any ill effects. Honestly, the T3 is probably the single most effective thing I’ve ever taken for mood more so than anything weight related.
I want to note something that I think is important as I move on. I think I may have a sensitivity to low carbs/low fat. Excluding two handfuls of potato chip crumbs the evening of day 4, I have eaten absolutely PSMF clean. Day 7 was the first time I felt really lethargic and by yesterday, day 8, I was having some ‘odd’ peeing experiences. Basically, I am drinking a respectable quantity of water while at the office (.5 to .75 gal) but I was hardly peeing at all. Plus I would have to ‘push’ the pee out instead of it flowing freely.
TMI?...too bad…
Now, the odd thing is that this has happened to me before when I’ve started to PSMF. I’ve never worked through it because I normally would just fall off the diet all together anyway. However, I was reading some stuff online yesterday and I started to think that maybe my body (gall bladder?) can’t take the very low fat thing for too long. That said, last night I sucked it up (and I was very nervous to do this) and decided to give myself one of Lyle’s recommended “free meals”. I figured if fat was the problem that I could make my free meal high in fat and protein but keep it low in carbs.
3 pieces of Popeye’s chicken later…
I woke up this morning feeling better and have felt notably better today than I did yesterday.
Lesson Learned? I’m not sure but I will be testing this theory again.
Also, I’m glad to say that I have been on plan all day today with no problems. I think Lyle is right about the “free meals” for psychological and physiological reasons. I am going to have my two a week (no refeeds because I’m a Cat 3) and trust they will keep my body in check. I do think I will keep them high fat/protein though only. Carbs and I don’t seem to get along well no matter what.
Okay, so not too exciting for my first post but we all have to start somewhere.
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