Warning. Crankiness Ahead.

Dieting makes me thoughtful and cranky. Thoughtfully cranky? Crankily thoughtful?? I digress...

The result is I've changed the name of this blog to "American Fat Girl", which I - at present - most undoubtedly am. And that's okay because even after I've lost this weight the truth is that, although I may no longer look like one, I will still carry the psyche of an american fat girl. I know there are many ladies out there who can relate.

For example, 4 years ago I weighed 250lbs. Disgusting, I know. I managed to lose 65 of it and subsequently put back on 10. 55lbs though gone forever! Even so – I suffer psychologically from body dysmorphia (sp?). I still feel like 250lbs. Sometimes I even see myself as that. The oddest thing is that I am actually more uncomfortable at 195 than I was at 250. What is up with that?

55lbs kept off for 4 years and I still feel as if I’ve failed. It has made me so much more aware of weight prejudice. I actually almost bumped into a fat guy this morning getting onto the train and caught myself thinking, “Jesus! F**king fat ass!” How horrible is that?!

I’ve even noticed that my employer and co-workers respond to me differently…purely due to my weight. I know it is true! The reality is that EVERYONE thinks less of fat people….even other fat people.

That makes me feel ashamed but honest.

So here I am, admitting that part of the reason that I’m losing weight is definitely because I hate fat people. Fat people like me. I have no sympathy. We’re lazy and disgusting.

I am subjecting myself to this hardcore (and damn effective!) PSMF because I can’t take being fat for another damn minute. Do I love myself too? Of course I do! I want to be healthy and active sure but let’s not fool ourselves here kiddies…

I also want to be attractive. Period.

And from my perspective….195lbs just ain’t gettin’ it.

Dieting makes me cranky….or is that completely obvious?